That 5 AM Kind of Truth


Have you ever feel that way? Like you’re in the water, drowning, suffocating, screaming for help yet nothing comes out of your mouth? Like you’re completely alone in this universe although you know exactly that’s not true? You have everything you need; friends, family, lover, pets. Yet you still feel so alone. You can actually choose to talk to everyone, but yet you retreat because you think that no one would understand or appreciate things you said. So you choose to pull yourself away and keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself. But somehow it’s getting piled inside and it starts to choke you, to suffocate you.

You know it’s all only happened in your head, that you can end it right away anytime you want (supposedly) if you let yourself to open up more and talk to people about what happened inside of you. But yet you’re too afraid that you’ll get burned again when they don’t react in such a way that will make you feel better. Because you’ve been let down so many times by communication with others so that you choose to only communicate with yourself. You have a self-esteem issue. You’re lack of confidence and somehow you wish that someone, anyone, will help you regain your confidence back. Show you that you are worthy of love and social connections. But it seems like no one would, or able to help you.

Maybe it’s because your high expectations of connections. You’re always seeking for that connections in people. That kind of connections that will make you completely comfortable with yourself and have nothing to be ashamed of. But that kind of connections is really hard to find especially when you estranged yourself from people. You just want to feel so connected that you wouldn’t be so afraid of being judged when you show them your inside out. You’re just too afraid that your true self would scare people you love away because frankly you’re not that pretty on the inside. this high expectations leave you disappointed most of the time, and now you just had enough of disappointment that you choose to isolate yourself. You’re craving for attentions, you’re craving for the feelings of being loved, you’re craving for connections with people. You want to go deep in any relationship you have with everyone but yet you can’t seem to find anyone to go deep together with.

So here you are left out feeling drowned by loneliness. Watching people building relations and finding connections with others from underwater where your only company is yourself and this incredible silence and excruciating mind


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